The Students' Marks Will Fall

Last week, while picking up an exam written at an alternate time by one of my students, my brain went into music mode, as it often does. It ended up rewriting a good two verses of ABBA’s The Winner Takes It All before I realized what had happened. I finished it up and, while I don’t have a gift as a lyricist, I thought I’d share a bit of dark humour (with apologies to ABBA). I don’t have good recording equipment, otherwise I’d make my own recording (although if someone wants to record this with me just for funsies, I’d be game). Instead, here’s a link to an unadulterated version.

I don’t want to mark
The garbage students wrote here.
How these answers stink!
(I) bathed them in red ink.
Why do you waste time
Writing all that nonsense.
You won’t earn my grace;
Marks for filling space.

The students’ marks will fall
And they will start to bawl
Because they can’t recall
Anything at all.

I am up in arms
Over these degree farms.
Their answers make no sense,
Though they make me tense.
I gave them their marks.
She’s surprised her mark’s poor:
“Gimme gimme more;
This deserves a four.”

It seems like you threw dice
Or took some bad advice:
This essay’s cut-and-paste.
Lies! It wasn’t “haste”.
The students’ marks will fall
Their records have a pall
For their dishonesty
There for deans to see.

But tell me are there some
Who won’t make me so mad?
A redemptive few
Whose answers all ring true?
Someone in the back?
Smart but also silent?
Heard that you exist;
Are the rumours true?

Back to average Joe:
Your test’s a horror show.
No matter how you plea
One plus one ain’t three.
Stop arguing with me;
The answer’s plain to see.
He’s got a lot of gall;
This student’s marks will fall.

I don’t want to mark
Because it makes me feel sad.
They don’t understand;
Their minds in La-La Land.
They just want good grades;
Learning is a nuisance.
But I can’t abide
(And) give them a free ride.

And so you see

The students’ marks will fall
The students’ marks will fall…

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